"Name it Claim it" vs. God's Will

There is a job opportunity that I really want. I have been praying fervently that I will receive it. I pray that I know God can give me the job. I also pray that I really want it and I know that He can make it happen. On the flipside, maybe it's not in God's will. It's hard for me to pray for His will, and also try the "name it claim it" approach...especially if what I want is not in His plans. When I have these thoughts I feel like my faith is small. These are obscenely short sentences...an 'Ode to Hemingway, perhaps.

6/29/09

Even though I feel bad for saying this, I am kind of glad to see that other graduates are having as hard a time as me finding a job. Not just any old students, either. Students that were in campus leadership positions, made good grades, and have excellent sommunication skills. Students that are not getting calls back from places that I wouldn't even apply for in high school but I now find myself reluctantly begging for a job. Is that bad? Please forgive me class of '09. If it is any comfort to you, it appears we are in the same boat.

Speaking of forgiveness, today I started reflecting back on how someone had wronged me and all I wanted to do was get them back. Give them the cold shoulder and not give a crap about their feelings...kind of like they did to me. But as I thought of how I could get even, I was reminded that forgiveness is a powerful and difficult action. It is not always easy, and sometimes when we think that we have forgiven others, we actually have not...we still harbor bitterness towards them. I want to truely forgive others. I do not want to just speak the words, I want to act them out.

$$$

I am thoroughly convinced that the only people who have ever said money does not buy happiness were poor...a sad attempt to make their situation seem less unfortunate.

Achievements

I ran a mile today and I actually lifted with my legs today. The bursitis in my arm has forced me to find new, and strange ways to exercise...like running and squats.

I finally got sick of eating PB and J today and I decided to make brats. To some, this may not be much of an achievement, but to me (domestically challenged) it was one of the most heroic and courageous things I've done lately. I made them in a skillet. I didn't even know you could do that. Granted, I burned the first two, but I quickly caught on and made two more delicious, golden brown cheddar brats. MMmmmmm...meat.

I made $20 in tips the other night and all I did was sing once and do 2 carry-outs. Not bad on top of $11 an hour.

My phone just killed itself. I was outside talking to my mom not that long ago, and my phone started hissing angrily at me and went ka-put. LAME. All of my electronics are failing. First my laptop, now this. I think God wants me to become a Freeman in the boondocks of Montana and give up my evil technological advances in order to cleanse my filthy spirit and evil desires.

and.........the computer I am on just froze up and I had to copy and save this blog in word and paste it in here again.

Friends

It's amazing to me to see how much friends shape who we are. When I look back on certain seasons of my life, I can almost always trace the decisions I made back to the influence of my friends. We would adopt their humor, mannerisms, and even some of their habits. Recognizing this has made me much more aware of the friends I choose to spend time with. Hopefully they are stretching me, challenging me, and replenishing me spiritually and emotionally. So this is a shout-out to all my friends. Thanks for being who you are. Don't change!

I've been hanging with two individuals who are polar opposites. One of them is constantly looking for adventure and excitement. The other is content in finding adventure in the daily norms. While I appreciate both, I tend to be a somewhat calm person. I love adventure, but I usually let it find me; I feel like it's more natural that way. I love finding comfort and joy in the small things: relaxing by the pool, reading a book, just talking with friends, watching a movie. I like these things. I feel like all too often people are scared of slowing down. Scared to do nothing. Not me. Bring on the lazy summer afternoons and slow weekends. I don't want to fabricate adventure, I want to experience it for real.

Something New

So I've decided to do something new. My blogs are probably just going to be a mish-mash of everything I can think of at the moment. I am steering away from the "one-subject" blog post and moving towards a more eclectic compilation of thought-provoking chaos (I made that sound way more cool than it actually will be). Here goes:

I finally figured out why God gave me a talent and desire to sing. MACARONI GRILL. Yup, that's right, folks. You are looking at the newest addition to the "singing team". Prepare to be romanced and swooned...fellas, you might not want to bring your women there anymore...

I as well as 4 other people made a clap track in the studio a couple of days ago. Basically, we spread throughout the room and all clapped to the beat of a worship song James River wrote and produced. We took several takes of the clapping and layered them on top of each other while adding reverb. 5 instantly became hundreds. Fabricated live audience. Amazing.

I'm getting really spoiled and I'm not sure I want to leave the apt. Pool, hot tub, fitness center (that I can't work out in...my bursitis took care of that), TiVo, and the first time I've ever had cable. EVER.

I'm beginning to realize more than ever that I either need to marry a woman who can cook really soon, or I need to learn how to do it myself. Ramen, soup, and cereal can only cut it for so long. I also have a greater appreciation for my mom who always had a different meal ready for the family at dinner. Wonder woman.

Word-Vomit

My grandpa's visitation was today. It was nice to see everyone come and support our family. There were a couple hundred people there. I was amazed to see how many people he impacted.

I currently have a beard, and evidently it's a big deal. I've had multiple people comment on it, including two family members and two random people at my grandpa's visitation today...one of which was an Native American who explained to me that the reason Indians don't grow beards is because they are considered unmanly. Whenever I grow one it always seems to attract attention. It's just a beard.

My dad gave me his old guitar for a graduation present and I still have yet to really spend some quality time with it. I always told him that if he let me have it, I would learn it instead of letting go to waste like him. So far I'm a liar.

I'm really enjoying my internship at Music Precedent so far. Matt Moore is an excellent teacher and is easy to get along with. We are fast becoming friends.

I'm still looking for a job. At this point I feel like I've been too picky, but I also don't want to short-change myself. It would be hard for me to accept a job that I would not be happy with and I would not receive decent pay. I freakin' just graduated college. I'm not working for minimum wage!

I watched Peter Pan in Branson. I think it's funny that a grown woman (57 year-old olympic gold-medalist, gymanst Cathy Rigby) plays a little boy. She was doing flips and splits on-stage - I can only hope I'm that vivacious at that age. I never realized before the severity of his mommy issues and his disgust for growing up. I've been feeling lately that I've been clinging to my youth, and watching Peter Pan in his annoying immaturity helped bring into focus in my own life just how much I am glad where I am in life.

I can't help but feel that God is calling me to the ministry. I feel this tug at my heart every time I think about it, not to mention that multiple people have talked to me about how they think I'm meant for it as well. I have a long way to go spiritually - quite a bit of maturing to do, but I know that these last few months have done more for me in that area than probably most of my life combined.

My Thoughts Lately, Vol. 2

Grandpa.

I've unfortunately neglected my grandparents during my tenure at Evangel despite the fact that they are only 7 minutes away from school and are capable of providing me with free food, free laundry, and insurmountable wisdom. My grandpa has struggled with prostate cancer for quite a few years now, but it has never really caused him severe pain until now. A sleeping giant. I was absolutely appalled by the change in my grandpa from when I had seen him at my Sr. recital to no more than a month later at the time of my graduation. My once strong grandfather now needs help eating, brushing his teeth, and going to the bathroom - tasks with which he once assisted me. I have been doing my best to stop by their house for at least a couple of hours a day, but I am afraid that something will happen to him when I am not there. Thankfully, my grandma is finally conceding and letting us bend the rules of Maranatha by letting me stay with her for the next week or so. I guess I am scared that I will not be around when they need me most...but I am even more scared that I am going to be the one who finds that he has passed. I am not sure how I will deal with that.

My Thoughts Lately, Vol. 1

I've been staying in Springfield for 4 days now, and I already feel trapped, anxious, and uneasy. I literally woke up terrified the other night because I realized I was back in the dorms. It feels like even though I've graduated, I haven't gone anywhere or done anything with my life. I am in a transition right now, and I know that; but I just can't help feeling like things need to start moving. Progressing. I've been feverishly sending out applications to all sorts of places, most of which I have no desire to work at, but I have few options. Until I finish my Sr. recording project and internship this summer or possibly fall, I am at a standstill to pursue my career. I need my recording project to be finished more than anything so I can send in some of my work to recording studios. I am fully confident that it will turn out incredible, it's just a matter of time. I have so many great ideas and plans for it, I am just horrible at getting the ball rolling. I've talked with my musicians, and they are all on board. It's just a matter of time until they get here and we start recording. I can't wait.