How do you know when to quit? How do you know when to keep going because it might just pay off? Ugh.

FACEbook

I just spent the last 30 min. going through my facebook pictures. There were so many memories I was reminded of...and so many that I had completely forgotten. I need to commit a day to going through and saving all the ones I like to my external drive. I was reminded of beginnings, endings, friendships, hardships, and accomplishments. Pictures have the ability to capture what sometimes words could never be able to say. I think that's why photography interests me so much...that and the fact that I don't really draw anymore. It's an easier way to create art. Instant gratification! Maybe that will be my summer fun project...taking an art class. Ever since i didn't win the art contest for Clubhouse magazine in 5th grade...

I took my first sick day yesterday, and I left early today...I've been having "hot flashes".

I was practicing my guitar earlier today and I found some chord charts online for some songs I want to do from "Enter the Worship Circle". I was stoked because I learned some really easy ways to finger chords. I love cheats in music.

I've started almost every sentence with "I". What does that say about myself? Seriously though, I have been thinking about how selfish I am. Even though it's not purposely, we are wired to be self-centered.

Recorded some music a couple of days ago. I really wish I had my vocal mic. I did 3-part harmony with myself. My dad joked that we had a good blend...couldn't imagine why. I watched a ton of tutorials finally for the new software package for drums and synth. About time...I payed pretty good money for it, better put it to use, right?

I'm thinking about buying a journal. I heard that it's really good therapy to write down your thoughts...and some thoughts are just not meant to be read for everyone to see. Nothing scandalous or anything, but you can only be so intimate when broadcasting your life via the internetz.

Welp, guess I'm going to take a nap here and hope to get feeling better. I was going to have one of the guys from CBC choir stay over Saturday night, but seeing as how I've been sick, I thought better of it. I was kind of looking forward to meeting him....another thing that's really changed about me. Although I find myself spending more time alone than when I was in college and HS, I've actually become more of a people person. I have to be outgoing...I mean, I took a homeless man out to lunch the other day and I was really excited to connect with him. who am I anymore? Life is full of stages. I think true growth comes from being thrust into situations without warning. How you handle new challenges and situations really matures you. I wouldn't have been able to (or really, wouldn't have wanted to) do things in HS and early college like I'm doing now. I attribute that also to the work of the Holy Spirit. Every day it's becoming more and more clear about how everything I need to do requires less of me and more of Him.

I was supposed to end this with the first sentence of the previous paragraph...snowball effect. I'm done now. See you on the flip side.

I played drums for a youth event last night called "Pursue". It's a time of worship, prayer, and reflection. Marc, the youth pastor, spoke about baggage we need to get rid of: activities, relationships, sinful actions that are weighing us down and keeping us from God's purpose. During this time I was convicted (nothing unusual there). I thought about the gifts and talents that God has given me and what I am doing to develop them and use them for the kingdom. Granted, I'm a worship leader and I use my voice quite often in church, but I believe God requires more dedication and time to hone my skills than I have been giving Him. What does this mean for me, you ask? Piano lessons, more time practicing guitar, and hopefully grad-school. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut with doing the same piano licks, drum fills, and vocal runs. It's time to get rid of things that waste my time (TV, FACEBOOK, and other stupid distractions) and really focus on perfecting the gifts God has given me.

It's not just activities I currently excel in that I want to develop, but it's budding interests too: Photography, graphic art, weigh-training. I want to develop these interests as well.

To whom much is given, much is required.

Prophecy

Tonight I was told that I would marry a woman from Evangel.

Dear Jane, ...

I was having a conversation with someone today about what they are looking for in a future spouse...and I began to think about some things that I would like in a mate. These aren't fundamental core values...more like helplessly romantic ramblings...

I want...

When she sheds her tears I want to look into her eyes and think, "There isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do to keep you from crying."

When I look into her eyes I want to know that she loves me as much as I love her.

When I look into her eyes I want to know that if I desired, I could look into them forever...and I would love every minute of it.

I want to roll over in the morning and have her eyes be the first thing I see...and then go bring us some breakfast in bed.

I want to look in her eyes and think, "Wow, you are undoubtedly the most beautiful woman in the world, and God created you just for me."

Go ahead and laugh. It's okay. If I was in your place, I'd probably do the same thing too. It's not like I'm sitting around my house grumbling about how I don't have this. On the contrary, I'm actually fully embracing single life. There is so much you can accomplish on your own...but someday God may place someone in my life, and I can't wait to experience these emotions outside of my imagination.

I can't wait to meet her, but in the words of Michael Buble, "I just haven't met you yet."

Is it a maturity issue when people act differently when they are with you alone as opposed to a group? I've never understood that...How do you know which personality is the real one?

FUNerals

I attended a funeral today. The woman lived to be 102. Think of all you could do in that time. Accomplishments for God. Not selfish actions that ultimately have no reward, but selfless, compassionate actions that you will be remembered for...actions to leave a legacy.

It wasn't a very large turnout, but you could tell she was loved and a generally good person. Everyone reflected on her humor and jocular disposition...what admirable characteristics to be remembered for.

I also learned that there is a 3 month period in North Dakota that no one is buried during. The ground is frozen solid. So if you die during the winter, they refrigerate you and bury you in late spring. I would say that gives you sufficient time to mourn before the graveside.

There is always an unusual dynamic at funerals. It's a sadness overcome by joy. Sad to see them leave, glad to know they're in heaven. Sad that a death has finally caused all the family to reunite, but glad to see old faces...and even some new ones. And this is all happening while gathering around a dead friend or relative who is resting peacefully in an open casket, which obviously doesn't bother anyone enough to still not want to eat lunch. A death lunch. All the merry-making while some are still in mourning.

Happy and sad.

Youtube

Just once I'd like to be the person who makes the discovery of an original, unique, youtube phenomenon.

AAAAaaaahhhh! I need Jesus!!! I need him to wrap His arms around me! Love me! Protect me!

Saw Winter Jam last night. Michael Tait is the new lead singer for the Newsboys. He met with all the pastors at the concert. He talked about DC Talk...and I missed my chance to shout out, "Reunion Tour"! Oh well. It was awkward to hear him singing Newsboys and DC Talk songs all in the same performance...not to mention the fact that he's a complete metro...which I never expected from hearing his rap on Jesus Freak.

Anyways, it was cool to hang out with the youthies. They bring so much life and vigor. I've been working pretty hard lately and dealing with some really "adult" situations, so it was nice to kick back and be a little immature.

We had a Worship Team Retreat today. A retreat to the church, but a retreat nonetheless. It was nice to hang out with everyone and just fellowship. We normally only get together on Sundays and Wednesdays, and all we do then is practice. Not really much time to build relationships. Some of the members cooked food and we had a time of teaching and praying for one another. It really ministered to my soul. We also got to learn some cool new music that everyone seems to be pumped about.

Pastor brought up grad school to me again. I need to get the ball rolling on that. Looking at a Master's in vocal performance at SIUE. Yes, it's more money, but this is something I love, I'm single right now, so I'm gonna go for it. Not to mention it is a path that can help me fulfill my dream of one day teaching at a university. I also miss singing/playing with a big choir. I get to conduct one here, but I don't get to participate. I've missed that...and it'll be an improvement from Evangel's choir...not dissing them, but it's just a small program. Enough writing for today. I have to practice conducting for tomorrow. PEACE.